Susie Q

How many times do we sit at a restaurant and we don't say a good day, good morning, or start a conversation because we are too busy just living in other people's moment, while scrolling on social media?

What research shows is that:

• About 48% of Americans who have a regular "third place" (such as a coffee shop, café, restaurant, or local hangout where they recognize other people) say they have conversations with people they do not know well at least once or twice a month.

• 56% of Americans report having a regular local gathering place, such as a coffee shop, restaurant, or park that they visit regularly.

• More recent research found that Americans who have access to more community gathering places ("third places") are significantly more likely to talk with neighbors and acquaintances than those without such spaces.

• A 2025 Pew Research Center survey found that:

  • 47% of Americans believe people have become ruder since the COVID-19 pandemic.

  • 34% say they often or almost always witness rude behavior in public.

  • These findings suggest that spontaneous conversations with strangers may have become less common or feel more difficult, although the survey did not directly measure conversations with strangers.

Today I went to X restaurant, and a kind lady sat by me, and I randomly started a conversation. One of the things that we spoke about struck my attention, and I told her I would speak about this.

Let's talk about the effect of outside situations and how we allow them to affect us.

In psychology, this is called stress spillover, emotion regulation, cognitive appraisal, and family systems theory. The common finding is that external events do not automatically damage our relationships; rather, how we interpret and regulate those events largely determines whether they spill over into our interactions with family, friends, and partners, or not!

I always like to present statements with evidence, and I tell people that the event, the news, what is happening in the world, and so much more... is not the problem. Phones are not the problem, social media is not the problem, and IA is not the problem; the problem is within US.

Do we have control over how we manage our social media time? Do we have a clear understanding that AI is not a friend; it is a tool for us to use, just like Google is a tool and was used and is still used today? Do we understand that sleep is something that is needed for us to function properly? Did you know that a cellular network, Wi-Fi, or Bluetooth emits small amounts of RF energy intermittently? The farther you are from the phone, the lower your exposure. RF energy decreases rapidly with distance (following an inverse-square relationship in open space), so moving the phone even a few feet away can significantly reduce exposure.

People ask me all the time, Mitzy, why do you leave your phone when you are going to a store? I always answer the same thing. I go to the store to look at my surroundings and enjoy the here and now. I don't go to a store to stress my neck looking at a phone. I will get to the phone when I return, or if I have it with me, I have it in my purse. (This is a conscious decision - my conscious decision) There might be people who disagree, and that is ok. We all have the right to live as we please, but....

This leads us back to what is our decision regarding outside circumstances? Is it the situation that is the problem? Or is it our interpretation?

I will leave you all with some of the strongest peer-reviewed theories and studies regarding this:

1. Lazarus & Folkman's Cognitive Appraisal Theory (1984)

Key idea: It is not the event itself that determines our emotional response—it is how we appraise (interpret) the event and whether we believe we have the resources to cope.

This explains why:

• Two people can experience the same stressful event.

• One remains calm and supportive.

• The other becomes irritable, withdrawn, or angry, affecting their family and friendships.

Reference

• Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, Appraisal, and Coping. Springer.

This is one of the foundational books in psychology and is cited thousands of times.

2. Stress Spillover Theory

This theory explains that stress from work, finances, school, or society often "spills over" into home life.

Research shows that stress experienced outside the family predicts:

• more arguments,

• less patience,

• poorer communication,

• reduced emotional support,

• and greater conflict with spouses and children.

A recent review by Repetti & Bai (2025) summarizes decades of evidence showing that outside stress frequently carries into family relationships, but also that healthy coping and supportive family interactions can reduce these effects.

3. Family Systems Theory

Developed by Murray Bowen.

Bowen argued that families function as emotional systems. When one person experiences unmanaged stress, everyone else in the family can be affected.

For example:

• A stressful day at work

• leads to irritability at home,

• which affects a spouse,

• which affects children,

• creating a chain reaction.

This doesn't mean the outside event is controlling the family—it means stress spreads through relationships if it isn't managed.

4. Emotion Regulation Research

Studies consistently find that people who are better at emotion regulation are less likely to let outside problems harm their relationships.

One 2023 study found that cognitive reappraisal—reframing a stressful situation before reacting—reduced the "spillover" of marital stress into parent-child relationships.

5. Emotional Contagion

Researchers have shown that emotions can spread from one person to another.

If one person comes home angry or anxious:

• their partner often becomes more anxious,

• Children may become more stressed,

• and friends may also mirror the emotional tone.

This phenomenon is called emotional contagion.

What does the research conclude?

Across these theories and studies, researchers generally agree that:

• External events (work stress, finances, politics, social media, traffic, illness) create pressure.

• Our interpretation and emotional regulation influence how strongly those pressures affect us.

• If stress is not managed, it often spills over into our closest relationships.

• Skills such as mindfulness, cognitive reappraisal, communication, and healthy coping reduce this spillover and protect relationships.

Why do I communicate with the people around me and explain to them that it is important to have strategies that work for you as an individual? Because modern psychology generally supports this balanced principle, saying that:

• We cannot control every external event.

• We often cannot immediately control our emotions.

• But we can learn skills that improve how we interpret situations and choose how to respond. But these skills vary from person to person.

Those choices are influenced by many factors—including personality, habits, stress, past experiences, and mental health—so psychology recognizes that exercising choice can be easier in some situations than others. Also, let's remember that we can only help and guide those who want help.

Thank you, Susie Q, for such a great conversation. Many blessings to you!